


Find Me a Reason

by maa_fuu



Category: Sexy Zone
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, early christmas gift for fumaken lol, finally an angst with happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-03
Updated: 2017-12-03
Packaged: 2019-02-10 03:08:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12902646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maa_fuu/pseuds/maa_fuu
Summary: Sometimes love can be scary, and it's all up to you whether to stay afraid or try to understand the love better to conquer the fear.





	1. ...to Hate

**Author's Note:**

> This is the fruit of my stressing work life :"  
> I can't update myself with SZ stuff because of work, so I made myself this fic.  
> Thanks to S for reading it first and encourage me to post it here!  
> It have 2 chapters, '(Find Me a Reason) to Hate' and '(Find Me a Reason) to Love'.

Kento sits in front of his laptop, face serious, fingers in place, ready to type anything comes to mind. 

"Okay. You can do this, Kento."

He sighs. Once. Twice. Then he closes his eyes.

Kento is tired, but he need to do this, so he won't feel tired anymore. Because the more he tried to ignore it, the more he can feel his heart ripped apart.

He wonders, why do people love someone if the only thing they gain is pain?

You love someone just to have your heart broken by your loved ones.  
You start a relationship just to end it after some time.  
You may stay with each other, live happily in marriage life, but eventually death will tear you apart.

In the end, the one you love the most will leave you, and all that left for you are the shards of your broken heart.

But even after all the pain, people still wants to love.

It's weird. Love is weird.

When your heart broken because of love, they say that love will heal you. But, how could it heal you if it was the cause of your pain?

People don't make sense...... That's what he thought before this. But after he met Fuma, he started to understand that love better.

They met through some mutual friends, and from the first time they met, they knew that they belonged to each other. Kento still believe this.

Not long after, they discovered they both were so in love with each other, and they didn't need any second thought to make it official between them.

Their lives were perfect. They are so different from each other, but that's what makes them perfect for each other. Just like two different shaped puzzle pieces that made to complete each other, they too, made to complete each other souls.

But a few months ago, everything started to change. The once warm hug now turned into cold shoulder. The never-ending smile that shine like a sun now stopped to rise. And eventually, the loving eyes are dying, and stopped looking to his eyes.

He wonders why it had to be like this? Because he doesn't remember ever did something wrong... Or maybe, he thinks, it wasn't something he did. Maybe he himself is the problem.

The boy he loves so much left him drenched in rain. The last word he said is 'sorry'. When he stared at his back, he wanted to shout. He wanted to ask. Sorry for what? For breaking up with him, or for made he loves him?

Whatever the reason that made him feel sorry, that reason already broke his heart. And he's doing all he can do to mend his broken heart now. That's why he is in front of his laptop, trying so hard to find flaws from his ex-boyfriend, ready to write them down if they come to his mind. But his attempt to search for the bad memories stabbed him on his back.

No matter how hard he tried to look for all the bad memories between them, all that comes to his mind are the good memories where Fuma was so loving and caring.

All he can remember is his warm smile, and how assuring his hug was. He can almost feel the taste of his lips just from thinking about him again, and now he feels more helpless because he is left with nothing but memories. Beautiful memories that only deepen the pain in his heart. But still, he wants to treasure the memories because he don't hate himself for ever loving him, for ever loving someone named Kikuchi Fuma.

Love gives him pain, and it gives him strength too. But this time, he needs to erase all the good memories about love they shared. Because this one is sure killing him more than healing him. Even though he knows it's hard, he knows that he needs to keep trying.

Kento open his eyes again, staring to nothing and think to himself, if only he could find something to make it easier to forget...

If only he could find just one reason to hate Fuma...


	2. ...to Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time make something right.

Fuma lies on his back. He stares blankly at the ceiling in his already dark room even though the clock says that it's still 8 p.m.

It's Christmas Eve. But he just can't feel the holiday spirit. He ignores all the festivals going around outside his little room. He gives up chance to enjoy the illumination and all the nice things outside to think about that one person again.

Yes, for the xth time, he misses him, and his brain is on work. Wandering deep to his mind and soul. Questioning all the decisions he made in his life.

As usual, he starts from this question.

 _Do you think it was a big mistake when you agreed to go to that match making party with your best friend?_

No, he thought.

_Then, do you regret it when your friend's friend introduced Nakajima Kento to you?_

And the question for this question would be another 'No', he thought.

Deep down inside Fuma knows all the answers. He knows that there's no way he would regret it. Neither would he regret the night when it all began. Just no freaking way.

He knows this because after he met Kento, he could learn the feeling called love that he always heard about but never experienced it himself before. For him, it's a new kind of love he never knew he could have. It's different from all the kind of love he ever felt. It's different, strange, but it's wonderful. Everything about Kento is love. Every touch, every look, every kiss from him, they all speaks love. And Fuma knows he will never find the same kind of love anywhere, or in anyone.

But then, like a lightning come suddenly in the calmness of rain, a big revelation came into him...

_"Do you really love him like the way he loves you?"_

Fuma tried his best to find an answer, but the more he tried, the more he feels that he doesn't. And then he started to feel afraid.

The love that once like a ray of light suddenly turned into black clouds and thunder. He can't look at those loving eyes again, because whenever he stare into those eyes, he can see insecurities. It's something alien from those eyes. It's something that was never there before. And Fuma is afraid to dealing with those eyes. Afraid with the ‘what if those eyes confront him with those uncomfortable feelings’. But mainly, he is afraid because he can't erase those feelings away.

Sadly, the easier way he found to solve this problem is running away from that love. He ran away from that love just because of a silly question.

He doesn't remember the details of what happened that night. He just remembers that he started the fight and then he stormed out from the house into the rain. Kento followed him, then he asked why, and when Fuma didn't give him any answer, he started to speak out loud his insecurities, and that's when Fuma finally lost it. He finally said the words, he finally ended their relationship.

After that, he is left alone with nothing but questions. He asks himself why he left him. He asks himself if he really loves Kento the way Kento loves him. He asks himself why his soul is gone the moment he took one step away from Kento that night. He asks himself why he had to doubt the love given to him. And he asks himself why he had to question his love for him?

All these questions need answers. Somewhere deep in his mind he knows he did something bad. He knows he made the biggest mistake in his life. And even though he wants to make it right again, he still afraid of the love given to him. 

Now Fuma have so many regrets. If he were honest with himself, maybe the answer to all this question are already there in front of him. Maybe, he thinks, the reason why he was afraid is because he scares that he just taking the love for his own selfishness. Because he needs the love, because it feels so good and right and exactly what he wants. And maybe, it was because the love is so wonderful so he’s afraid that someday that love is going to leave him alone in the dark. Maybe he scares that eventually Kento would leave him alone in loneliness.

He knows that he is being unfair to Kento, because he doesn’t deserve this kind of treatment from him. Not when Fuma is the one who is confuse. But how could he solve this problem if he keeps looking for a reason to love him and found nothing? 

Fuma is convinced that he needs to find any reason to love Nakajima Kento with the same amount of love Kento gave him, and he also convinced that he needs to understand this love first to assure himself that this love will never leave him. He needs to understand, and he needs to find a reason, but how can you measure something you can’t see like love? There’s no such a way to measure that kind of thing. 

He looks at his side. His phone is there on the table, all he need to do is reach out, take his phone, and dial his number, talk to him, and explain all the things wandering in his head to make things right between them again. But it’s hard to do that because he is afraid what if it’s already too late?

Abruptly he sits up, take his phone from the table next to his bed. He thinks to himself, he should have buy beers or whiskey or anything alcohol and get himself drunk purposely if he’s going to do the thing he’s about to do. If he were drunk, he can blame it to the alcohol if things go wrong and get away easily from the trouble. But he had no alcohol, he is completely sober, and he is typing the words he tried to say months ago but failed to send it because he’s just too much a coward to do it. But tonight, he just feels so helpless, and he needs to let it out from his chest at least this once. He doesn’t care whether he already found the reason he needs to let himself love Kento again, but he knows that tonight, the feeling of missing him is too big to ignored, and he won’t let himself die before he let the other man know that it’s all not his fault.

He stares at the words he typed before. It says, _“I’m sorry. I miss you.”_

He thinks to himself again, maybe by sending this message to Kento, he’s being unfair again to him, but he just don’t care about anything right now. That’s why he finally presses the send button.

He doesn’t know how many minutes passed after that. His eyes are still fixed to the dead screen after he pressed the button. Maybe it’s really too late? He wishes nothing when he pressed the button, but now that he sent the message, he feels some emptiness when he looks at the dead screen.

He put his phone back to the table, then he lay back again. Just when his mind started to wander again, his phone buzzed. Once. Twice. And when he heard the third buzzes, he knows that it’s a phone call. He immediately sits up again, and he froze when he looks at the caller ID, it’s from Nakajima Kento.   
He doesn’t know what happened, but the world seems to move fast suddenly, and then he found himself have a hardship in breathing properly. After counting to 4, he pressed the receive button.

There’s silence at the other end too. But he can hear his breath, and it’s calming him down to hear it after a long time. But they just don’t have courage to say anything. It’s like they both are afraid if they let any other voice out, they would break the illusion and crash back to reality. But he knows that this is not an illusion, he knows that this is real.

Suddenly he hears a deep sigh from the other end, his body tensed. When he finally hears Kento’s voice again, he feels like he finally done something right this time. Even though what Kento said is simply just, 

“Fuma?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Btw, this is still too early, but the holiday spirit is already everywhere lol so merry xmas!


End file.
